This Is My Goodbye

Let’s see, if I am remembering this correctly the last time a post was made on this blog was back in May.

Honestly that is just way too long. For the last couple of years this blog has been a place for me to vent, a place where I felt it was safe to pour out my heart and my mind.

I am Seventeen now, my first post was made when I was Fourteen  a lot has happened since that first post.

I have learned a lot about myself, my family, my new friends, and my Savior.

I’m not going to act like the last three years have been easy, because they haven’t been at all.

If life was meant to be easy we wouldn’t ever learn anything.

During the time between fourteen and seventeen I struggled on and off with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and crippling anxiety.  I even considered myself an atheist at one point. It’s been a long journey, a very long journey.

But honestly, I don’t think I would change one second if it. I know, I know, that sounds crazy, but let’s be real for a moment. If I had not suffered the way that I did I would not be the person that I am today. If I had not gone through those trials I would probably still be an atheist.

So, why am I rambling on and on about my struggles?

Because struggles make us stronger.

Yeah I know, that sounds horribly cliche, but when are the cliche things not true?

I don’t want you thinking that because I no longer have those specific struggles that my life is just peachy keen, it is far from it.

This year specifically has been extremely hard on me. 2016 was the year that everything was going to get better, it was the year that life would be great, 2016 was going to be my year.

2016 was the year that every time one good thing happened, two bad things happen.

At the beginning of the year I fell in love with the most wonderful guy, we’ve been officially together for almost four months, but we’ve been “a thing” since April.

That’s one good thing.

Now here are the two bad things.

My Mom found out she was pregnant towards the end of February, by mid April we had lost the baby.

In June my cat Chipper became very ill very suddenly, she died after two weeks of fighting.

There a plenty of other things that have happened this year, but those three things were some of the biggest.

I’m almost eighteen, I’ll be going to college in a few years, I’ll be married by the time I’m twenty one, and hopefully I’ll be moving to Germany by the time I’m thirty.

This is officially my last post on this blog.

I will be starting a new one soon, don’t worry.

The chapter of my life that this blog was apart of ended a long time ago and now It is simply a reminder of all the pain I was in when I was younger. It is a reminder that I thought I wasn’t good enough.

I do not want to have those reminders anymore.

So, this is Goodbye.

-Eden Hill

 

 

For The Boy That Hasn’t Spoken To Me In Two Years

First off I forgive you, second I’m happy for you.

this poem is for you, it has taken me two years to write because that’s how long the recovery has taken after you broke every piece of me.

You should know that I’ve found someone else that makes me happier then anything I could have ever imagined.

So here is my poem

All I wanna do is hold tight,
listen to the rain going down the drains nothing makes sense in my brain.
The train of thought is running over time, Time and time again.
Never ending, endless silence.
All I wanna do is hold tight to what would’ve been beautiful, what might have been wonderful, what could’ve been a comfortable situation.
Now I’m taking a chance, a chance to be the change I wanna see.
To step away from this loneliness to clean up my own mess, and work on the mess you made inside my heart.

Words are pouring out of my mouth, constantly regretting, always digressing, never forgetting.
Endless world of silence in this endless world of loud, never knowing when to speak or even knowing how.
Wishing I could change your mind and change my heart for the better.

Trying to figure out weather or not you really cared is no longer a priority of mine,*
My heart and my love has found a new home, a new home in Jesus Christ the only one I ever should have idolized, but you blinded my eyes and I could not see the craziness happening right in front of me.
We could’ve been beautiful, if only you had seen the real beauty before it was too late…
Sometimes my thoughts wonder back to you and I think “What if I had stayed with you?” “What if I had never found the truth?”

I’m constantly questioning myself and my decisions, I wonder if I’ll ever get anything right then I realize that I’ve done all I can, I’ve done everything I can do on my own.

At this point in my life the only wondering I do is wondering what happened to you.

Oh thank the Lord I found my new home.

Thank the Lord that I no longer roam from place to place or heart to heart.

Thank the Lord that he has set me free from all my anxieties.

I thank the Lord that I am still here, that I didn’t cut too deep and that I have never been able swallow pills.

-Eden H.

I am so grateful for this human bean

And that was that.

I made my choice. Unwittingly, at first maybe, but I made a choice. In the span of seven seconds I chose this one.

This human.

This person who has thoughts, emotions, problems, things that make them happy, make them sad.

And I chose this one. For no reason that I could put into words. For a perfect reason though.

All I really know about it is that, for this current moment, he is the one.

And I don’t know if we’ll get married. But I’ve thought about it a lot. I don’t know if he’s my soulmate. But I’ve never met anyone so like me. I don’t know if he’s ‘The One’ that is my other half. But I’m praying with all my heart that he is.

He likes astronomy and film making and music and art and he loves Jesus with all his heart and he’s willing to talk with me until 3:00am and he’s funny and sweet and caring and compassionate and thoughtful and a gentleman.

(And if he finds this for some weird reason…I’m dead. Because he can’t know that I feel this way yet)

But I’ve made a choice. And I pray everyday that he might see me in the same way.

I want God to be in every aspect of our relationship. I want him to be happy. I want him to know that he makes me happy.

We’ve both had ‘lovers’ in the past. We’ve both moved on and learned from people who didn’t treat us right. And now I think we both know how to treat someone by what they deserve. And because of that I want to make this special.

I don’t want to rush into dating and having that type of relationship and letting it take over our lives.

I want it to be natural. And if he is ‘The One’ then God will show us exactly what we need to know.

I’m taking this seriously because this is more than a crush. I want to fall in love with my best friend. (Eden is my best friend and he is too…but they’re different kinds of best friends. I still love you like heck, Eden 😜)

I’m taking this very seriously.

And I can’t believe I had the privilege to know someone like him.

Just “ugh”

I miss people right now. It hurts a lot. A whole lot.

I’m listening to “Let It Go” by James Bay (not frozen, this is real music)

“C’mon let it go,
Just let it be,
Why don’t you be you,
And I’ll be me”

I miss one person in particular. A boy. I’ve never missed anyone like this before. I’ve had crushes, I’ve missed people who’ve passed away, I’ve missed friends who I’ve simply lost contact with. But this ones different.

I think of him everyday. I miss his face.

I miss the way his nose crinkles when he laughs.

I miss his quirky, quick witted sense of humor.

I miss the way he’d show off.

I miss the way he was shy and bashful.

I miss him.

I miss his wink.

I miss the way he’d tease me.

I miss how easy it was to talk to him.

I don’t know how to shake this off. I thought I could get over him and move on but six months later and I’m still crying over him. It shouldn’t be that way. I mean it’s not healthy right?

I may or may not ever see him again.

My friends are still trying but there’s not really any point.

I still think about every little thing he did but that’s all I can do.

Redefined

People (older, wiser people whom I respect) have told me they see a quiet confidence in me. And to a certain extent I can confidently agree.

It’s because of confidence that I am successful at anything. You will always be more successful at what ever you set out to do if you are confident in yourself.
I realized this and that’s why I can say I’m good at things without feeling cocky and self-absorbed.

But one thing I’ve never been confident in is my appearance. I’ve never felt pretty. I have a resting bitch face. People are constantly asking “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?”. When I say I’m fine they don’t always believe me. My countenance doesn’t alway match my emotions.

It occasionally gets frustrating but I’ve learned to not care about that. They are concerned and I’m blessed to have people who are concerned about my wellbeing.

But, like I said, I’ve never felt pretty.

Eden asked me one day something like, “do you ever look in the mirror and think ‘damn I look good today’?” I almost agreed and said yeah but then I thought about it and realized I didn’t. Never once in my life have I been satisfied with myself.

People have always commented on my eyes. I remember, when I was about ten or eleven, I was having a really sucky day. I was reluctantly following my mom through aisle after aisle of the grocery store. Everything irked me and I just couldn’t shake it. Then an older lady came up to me and said “Your eyes are beautiful. I’m an artist. Mind if I take a picture to paint them?” I was shocked but it (literally) made me stand a little taller and put a smile on my face. I shyly said yes and she snapped a photo and we went our way.

Similar occurrences have happened to me since then. And although people, strangers and friends alike, have liked my eyes, I never have.

Or any other part of me, really.

Until my church put on a Creativity Camp. They hosted two workshops a night for five days. The workshops included woodworking, worship leading, drawing, hip hop dancing and more. Through each class the instructor gave a teaching. One thing that really stuck out to me was in hip-hop dance class.

She was basically talking about how we’re all created in God’s image. He intentionally placed every freckle on our face, every crease in our lips, every eyelash and he called it good. Because it is.

It struck a chord in me and that night I went home and looked in the mirror very closely and noticed two freckles I hadn’t seen on my jawline.

Then I noticed that I like my jawline. It wasn’t that bad.

People have told me I have a cute nose, so I inspected it and agreed (to my surprise).

I looked at the overall shape of my face and made a conscious decision to like it.

Then I looked at my eyes. I did my best to forget the standards of beauty and what I thought was pretty on other people and decided that they were pretty.

I stepped back and looked at my body. I, for 60 seconds, tried to forget the skinny girls I’ve always wanted to be and I decided that I liked my body.

Now I can confidently say I’m pretty. And guess what! I’m not a self centered bitch for it!

Our stupid, condescending society has made it so that its cocky to like something about yourself. They made us (everyone, but especially teenagers) simultaneously be forced to “not care” about our appearance but “make sure you look like this”.

But we should take pride in ourselves because we are beautifully and wonderfully made! We are the image of God! Do you realize how amazing that is? He is so beautiful and so creative and so big that it takes 7billion+ to make an image of him. And YOU are a part of the picture of God. You are beautiful.

We all have to realize it for ourselves.

Society will always give self-contradicting advice.
You will always have insecurities to overcome.
Life will always throw problems in your face.

But next time you look in the mirror look at yourself really closely and then take a step back and take in all the beauty.

It’s okay to see yourself in a shop window and say “damn I be looking fine today!” because you do look fine today.

Greasy hair, bad breath and acne got nothing on you!

I’ve completely flipped my mindset and I think I’m a beautiful person now. And next time someone tells me I have pretty eyes I’ll thank them and agree instead of coming up with an excuse.

You is smart
You is kind
You is important
You is beautiful
Live like it
😉

Nothing

Nothing.

I have nothing profound to say about my life right now, I have nothing to say that will make you reevaluate yours. There is nothing for me to say at all.
But here I am trying to find something to say.

I have found that it is so easy to cause someone else to stumble and fall into sin and sometimes you don’t even realize you have down it till it’s to late.
I realized this recently when I was talking to a friend of mine and I realized that I had caused them to do something that we both ended up regretting, I felt horrible, I couldn’t believe I had caused someone else to sin because of what I had done.

As a christian I should always be aware of what I am saying and doing. If i do something really stupid in front of someone who knows I am a christian (and maybe they aren’t one) most of the time they’re going to think, “can you believe what she did? And shes a christian too!”.
Naturally people aren’t forgiving. Our first reaction to most situations where we have done something wrong is to ask for mercy, but when something is done to us that we don’t like we are less likely to be handing out mercy and more likely thinking of ways to get back at that person for what they have done.

I guess my point is this:
you should always, no matter what is going on in your head at that moment, think before you do any and everything. I’m not saying that you should overanalyze things or that you should try to be perfect because nobody is perfect no one ever will be – ever.
But, because we have been created by a perfect God, we can then become more like him in the sense that we will lean more towards mercy, we will love everyone that we come across and we will learn to see past their faults and see them as God sees them.

These are three rules I try to live by

1: Love everyone no matter what
2: be merciful even when you think they don’t deserve it.
3: every morning when you wake up ask the holy spirit to fill you up so that you may be able to properly hear God through out the day.
It’s funny how quickly nothing can turn into something.

~Eden

Update on my love life (or lack thereof)

Hey.

It’s been a while.

A lot has happened.

Currently nothing is happening but it’s like I’m in the eye of the storm and moving out of it. That’s a stupid analogy but it’s all I could think of right now. What I mean is I’m not doing anything at the moment but in a few days it’ll all begin. So much is about to happen. So, so much.

From a graduation to attend to, counselor-in-training camp, hosting a concert in my backyard, an end of the school year party, vacation to Colorado, beginning two (yes, two) businesses, being a part of a worship band and so much more.

Among all of this I’m dealing with a heartbreak.

It feels SO stupid and immature to be going through this but this is the only safe place I have to put these thoughts and feelings out there (other than my best friend. But it’s midnight and I can’t call her without waking up my family)

But anyway…here we go. Let me tell you about him.

He’s gorgeous for one thing. That’s honestly, shallow as it may be, one of the first things I noticed. He has dark brown eyes. His laugh makes them crinkle and I love seeing them crinkle. I love his laugh too, it’s always a belly laugh and he can never control it. He has dark brown hair that he runs his hands though when he’s stressed. He’s shortish, or not, I don’t really know. I’m considered tall for a girl so you’d have to be considered tall for a guy to be taller than me. He plays football and he’s pretty buff, but not too buff.

But then I got to know him. We became good friends over the school year. But I left the co-op so I’ll probably never see him. Actually I might, he lives three minutes away, but if I do it’s because we bumped into each other by accident. There’s nowhere else for this relationship to go so I have to get over him.

He liked me back. Neither of us are allowed to date until seventeen but if we were I’m sure we would be dating now. He was an amazing person to be friends with. He was kind, he genuinely cared for people and their opinions and thoughts. He was very logical and creative. He was a very deep thinker and we had some deep conversations, which doesn’t happen often except for with very close friends. He still knew how to have fun and crack a joke though. I’m going to miss him. A lot.

Some of my favorite memories of him in no particular order:

1. My two best friends at the school were teasing me during lunch hour. They say on the bleachers in the gym and I stood in front of them eating a sandwich. He (who we’ll call Collin, I’m not giving his real name) came and sat on the bleachers leaning against the wall. My friends did not notice this and continued to tease me, “Sadie and he will make the most adorable couple” “what’ll be your first date” “what’ll be your first child’s name?” “You need to confess your undying love for him!” They said all this with dramatic movements and facial expressions and Collin saw them. I nearly died. He looked at them, then at me, then at them and the he laughed and covered his face in his hands.

2. The many times he winked at me.

3. When we watched a movie in class. There was no room to sit at the tables and the we had turned out the lights so I sat in the middle of the floor. Collin came to sit by me with a bowl of popcorn and we sat together making fun of the movie.

4. On the last day of class, finals, I sat in the front of the class and he sat in the back. Anytime the teacher left the room he threw paper airplanes at me that said “hi”

5. Crystal, my friends mom, came to pick us up. Collin and a friend were in the parking lot playing frisbee. Collin didn’t catch it and it landed right in front of the car and crystal rolled right on top of it. She felt really bad but it ended up being fine. My friend and I were laughing so hard in the backseat. He saw me and waved and the whole moment was awesome.

There’s a lot more but I’m getting to tired to type. I’m going to copy and paste a rant I sent to a friend and maybe you’ll get more what I’m feeling. Oh and you’ll find out his name but whatever, I’m too tired to fix it all.

Here it is:
Idk if you’re asleep but I need to get this out so here I go. Part of me, most of me, doesn’t want to get over cam whatsoever. We had it good and I realize that. Even tho we never told each other I’m pretty sure we both knew. Actually idk if he knew or not but we had it good. I’ve never had a relationship like that before where I might actually have a chance of it working out. He did a lot of cute things and he was a good friend. We got closer over the year and I’m going to miss him. I’m gonna miss him like frick. But the chances of me seeing him again are slim to none. IF I go to Julianna’s party idk know if he’ll even be there. Then the only reason I’d see him would be when we’re out and bump into each other. There’s nowhere for this relationship to go and I need to realize that and make myself move on. That being said I still want to hear everything next year when you see him. I don’t want to forget it at all. We had it good and it’s a good memory. I’m going to get over him but if I see him again, he’s still a friend. So I’ll still talk about him I just won’t “like” him anymore. And I know it’s going to be tough. I’m probably going to cry and miss him a lot and eat chocolate and IceCream and listen to love songs and the whole shibang but I know it’s worth it. I don’t want to go through missing him like this for too long or it’ll really get me hurt.

I’m not sure if Lucas or Hayden was me trying to get over him. Cuz I’ve known I need to do this for awhile but I refused. But I’m going to do it so I’ll see where these crushes go. Idk. I’m not sure of anything rn. But I’m tired of hurting. I’m too young to feel this way over a guy. As much as I want something real to happen, I also want to do other things with my life and I don’t want stupid crushes getting in the way. I knew I’ll have more and I’m ok with that but I’m not going to let them get too big again.

If I do see Cameron again I may or may not fall back in love with him idk. I’m going to need your help tho. Yours and Bella’s and Edens to remind me. He’s a friend, and I can talk about him and our past but if I get mushy over him don’t let me. It’s gonna hurt and I’m dreading it but I need to do this.

I’m not exactly sure how to go about it either. Idk if I should focus on other things or what.

Sorry

I know this video is an advertisement for a “save the earth” company. And I’m admittedly not really much of a conservationist. But, although this guys intended message is good, it made me think of something else.

He said he was sorry for the way we were living because the way we’re living is hurting the future generations. He was sorry that the foot print we stamped in the ground was not one that would lead us into the future but one that would hold us back. He was sorry that our influence and the way we live our daily lives ruins chances and opportunities of future generations.

He was talking about littering, chopping down trees and caring for the earth. And all that is well and good but it’s also important to leave a legacy.

If I have one goal in my life it is to leave a legacy. I want to be the one who pushes future generations to be their best. I want to be that diving board they jump off of and go deeper than anyone’s been before.

I want to leave a legacy and to do that I need to live what I preach. I need to walk the talk.
I need love when I say I love you.
Be truly grateful when I say thank you.
Feel real empathy when I say I’m sorry that happened.
Feel real regret when I say I’m sorry that happened.
Feel real joy when I say I’m happy for you.

It’s so simple but we can get so wrapped up in the formality of everyday life that we forget our legacy.

So watch this video and think about what you’re doing for those who’ll come later on. I’m fifteen. I’m young. But if I can begin my legacy now then I know I’ll go far and maybe I can be someone’s diving board.

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eRLJscAlk1M

There are others out there too

I am an artist.

I am a creator.

I can create tapestries from seemingly unconnected strings.

I have been created and I relate to God as an artist.

Where he created life from nothing I create beauty from chaos.

And yet all this chaos being aligned and stroked and weaved into order, it will not align in my head.

I am a mess.

I am a creator.

I move slowly through the day despite the racing thoughts running viciously round the tasks I am trying to accomplish.

The calm contentment displayed on my face covers up the extreme emotions and ideas that are trying to burst out of their shell.

That’s why I create.

I create because I need relief.

I am blessed that my release is beautiful.

I am in constant cycles of despising and falling in love with my masterpieces.

They are not safe with me. Never safe.

Once I make them and put them in front of an audience I cannot take it back.

But only because of business. Only because I need to eat.

I stare at it until a new idea takes over.

As a creator I know and understand how people’s minds work.

I am capable of reading someone’s face and manipulating myself according to their needs.

This is not always the best.

Manipulation always ends in self doubt.

I’ve been hurt by being too kind.

But when I do harden my heart, I hurt other people.

I have not found a balance…I don’t know if I will.

We’ll see how it goes.

And all of these rambling words and strenuous thought processes make no sense to me.

I am an artist.

I am a creator.

I don’t understand why any of these things are the way they are.

But I understand how they work.

And I’m okay with that.

I don’t need to.

I am happy.

I am confused.

I am full of self doubt.

I am full of love for people.

I am an artist.

I am a creator.

And I know there are so many others out there too.

I made a friend

Guess what!

I met Jesus today!

I mean I’ve always known Him. I knew He loved me and cared for me and protected me but I never had a real relationship with Him.

I thought a relationship with God meant reading your bible, praying and worshipping regularly and, maybe, knowing some deep, long, hard-to-pronounce words to discuss with.

But it’s not that. None of that makes a relationship with God.

You can not understand the pure, unadulterated excitement that you experience when you experience God.

Because he’s all that! He’s an experience. He gave us the senses. The physical that we interpret as evidence of a world we live in. We taste, smell, see, touch and hear the world around us to know its real.

But God!

God does it differently. God REVEALS himself to you. He shows up in the most unexpected places.

When we experience God it’s not uncommon that you might react differently, involuntarily. Because when the spiritual touches the physical it changes you and you have no control.

That’s so beautiful, to have no control.

During the sermon I listened to tonight, God spoke to me. He’s actually been speaking to me for awhile about this but I’m still grasping it.

Long story short, I was asking him what my gift was. Could it be prophesy, a ministry in a specific area, worship, prayer?

He answered. And you know what’s funny? He chuckled before he said it. It gave me an image of him leaning back in his chair, so happy that I finally asked that question. He relaxed and said, “you have the gift of receiving”

That confused me a lot. I said “no, you don’t get it, I mean like a GIFT”. (Notice I said to the God of the universe ‘you don’t get it’)

He just said it again, “you have the gift of receiving”

At first I thought he meant acceptance but he told me that’s not what he meant.

I still haven’t figured it out but I am so excited!

God is an experience. He’s addicting. Once you get a taste of what he can do, what he can change, who he can put in your life, you can’t turn away… you don’t want to. He’s too beautiful.

I love him for the first time. I always thought I did but now I know how to trust him and I can honestly say I can truly love others too.

My friends, my family, even my enemies. (That was a big one, forgiving my enemies!)

Eden, when you read this, I’ve always loved you. You’ve been my best friend for a long time and I completely trust you. But now I can say with truth that I will ALWAYS love you and you can ALWAYS come to me with anything because I won’t judge you. I won’t care about mistakes, blunders, sins…none of that. I love you with my whole heart and I won’t you to know that. I’ve changed for the better. I love you with Jesus’ love and its freeing. Your shackles are gone. They’ve broken to pieces. You will NEVER have to lock yourself up again because you are free. All your loneliness, all your self hatred, all your messy, human problems are gone. Forever. Period. You’ve got such a story to live! God has huge plans for you and I can’t wait to see where he takes you and what you do!

Okay.

I have no idea where that came from. Back to the topic…

Today in worship we sang a song. I don’t know the name or who wrote it. But one of the lines was “You loved all that I am. You made me perfect. All my shame and all my sin it’s gone.”

It’s a simple lyric. But it broke me. I stood there, I started crying. Tears were pouring out of my eyes, snot dripping out of my nose. I was a blubbering mess. I sat down, my legs were shaking. I began to sweat and I was crying pretty loudly. I was a complete and utter mess.

In the middle of my mess God said “This is when I’m loving you and I know your loving me too”

That did it.

I cried even harder, bent over, shaking. A crying baby but completely in love. I fell in love today.

With a king.

With a guardian.

With my God.

With my daddy.

With a friend.

It was a beautiful moment no matter the red faced mess on the floor.

I. Didn’t. Care.

I was in love and that’s all that mattered to me and now I’m free.

I’m free from all the guilt I’ve dealt with for way too long.

Because I’ve screwed up. I did things people would believe. I became addicted to things and depended on things that have me nothing but more guilt.

And you know what he did with them?

I wouldn’t let go by myself so he took them from me. He ripped me from their grasped and held me. He hugged me on the floor in my crying mess until I was okay again.

I could go on forever but this post is long enough already. I’ll probably post more later.